Breeding Suspicion: Part 2

The story continues on breeding suspicion. Last week, I looked at the effect of lies in a relationship in regards to breeding suspicion. I will look at two other attitudes that breed suspicion, and I do hope you open your heart as you read.


Lack Of Commitment
There are so many books and write-ups on commitment whether to a relationship, communal development or personal growth as such I am not going to analyse it, since that is not where the focus is. However,  those who lack commitment are very unstable. They are to me like the Reubenites; unstable as water, very Normadic and are one of the best breeders of suspicion. In one of his post, Deolu Akinyemi (one of Nigeria's foremost and admired bloggers) analysed a formula for success, he called that formula 'show up'. Show up in a relationship emphasises commitment to that relationship. People who don't 'show up' or lack commitment express this act in different ways; coming late to dates or meetings, dodging phone calls or certain questions, evasiveness, nonchalant attitude, less communication, e.t.c. The list goes on. I have this friend that told me that his girlfrend never gets to answer some of his supposedly simple questions. According to him, anytime she is gloomy and he tries to ask her what the matter is, she will most often reply she cannot answer that question without any detailed explanation. He expressed how deeply hurt she does make him feel with such act, as she does it every now and then even after he had tried to explain how she makes him feel. This kind of attitude is an example of someone who is selfish and not empathetic. Attitudes like this make the heart worry and cause the partner to take solace in thoughts that evoke suspicion.  It is only an uncommitted individual that doesn't see the hurt or pain they steer. If you find yourself doing such, check the values you place on the other person, it is definitely not the same he placed on you and if he doesn't know that, you are breeding suspicion. Again, check the values you and your partner place on each other and talk about it seriously, it may be that the other person does not see it or love you the way you are imagining it.
Lack of commitment pictures intransparency. It is really a vast area that I cannot exhaust within two days of writing.


Unnecessary Caution
It comes most times from past experience. It is multifaceted in that people act differently when they show signs of caution in a relationship. Past hurts in their relationship puts the new person in a state of torture and suspicion. They tend not to be open enough. This act is furnished by selfishness and defensiveness, for example the phraseI have been hurt before and so I cannot trust anyone else'. In the long run, those who have such trait tend to want to steer a relationship in their favor. The underlying thing in this act is FEAR. Some scholars call it the AH HA syndrome. Simply put, it means a tendency to ‘keep an eye’ on someone, and at the first sign of something ‘familiar’ (from past experience), exclaim; " AH HA! I KNEW IT WOULD COME OUT SOONER OR LATER! WELL I’M NOT GOING THROUGH THAT AGAIN!"




There are so many things to think about when the idea of suspicion comes up, the list is just too numerous. While so many people are just too insecure and as such suspects every move of the other person, many other people create it in the minds of the other person. It is the second category of people I am actually talking about. Sometimes I wonder what gain the other person will have by breeding suspicion. You may say, I want to find out if he loves me very well by making him jealous. If you could not pick your spouse's call at a particular point after two missed calls, please don't allow him to be the first to call you the next day. If you cannot tell your friend or spouse certain things about yourself, please let him know his place in your life. If you cannot answer simple questions like, 'what is borthering you?' Please tell him his role in your life. There is no need to make certain pleasant comments of your past boyfriend or girlfriend in your present relationship. There is no need to stir the waters carelessly as you might be arousing a viscious shark. Be sensitive to your partners interest and try to succeed in the relationship by doing whatever it takes to succeed. Always try and put yourself in the other person's shoes. Test your own feeling on the same acts and build a good relationship.


Above all, let there be sincere and open communication. It will diminish the idea of suspicion. There won't be any need to scan through your phones for incriminating numbers or sms. There won't be any need to wear long faces with each other. There won't be any need to pretend. Nobody will feel hurt and the relationship will be blissful.
As you read this, scan through your own mind and see areas you might have bred suspicion in your relationship. If you have, I advice you to make effort to correct it immediately. Humble yourself and voice out your mind with love.


So much to say, I am sure you can elaborate on the ideas so far and build a solid relationship. Looking forward to hearing how this has helped you. Stay strong!


The Future is Brighter.

Breeding Suspicion Part 1

Husband comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to his Bedroom. From under the blanket he sees four legs instead of two. He reaches for a Baseball Bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as he can. Once he's done, he goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As he enters, he sees his wife there, reading a magazine. "Hi Darling", she says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Hope you have said Hello...



Many things come to mind when I think of this issue. There are just too much to talk about. I wish I was still a young boy, then I would not have made some of the mistakes I made with this issue. 


Have you had cause to do any of these? You searched your man's shirt or trouser pockets with the hope of seeing something incriminating or you scroll through your spouse phonebook or sms directory for strange numbers or sms. If yes, then you are a victim of suspicion. 
Many relationships die at a shorter age because of suspicion. As a matter of fact, I have seen many relationships crumble,  have watched with awe, how much less of understanding many matured individuals underestimates the dynamics of suspicion. 


My father once asked me, he said son! how many times will something happen to you before you actually learn? I remembered saying, I prefer to learn from the mistakes of others...but did I? 
I certainly did not because I was also entrapped by the failures of my heart to understand the dynamics of suspicion. 
While suspicion has so may parts to it, I am basically concerned about the workings of suspicion to relationship and what I think breeds it (suspicion). 


Suspicion according to my dictionary is a feeling of doubt or mistrust. According to my fathers, there is no smoke without fire. Yes something stirs up suspicion. If you notice that your spouse does not talk with you openly anymore, or feels sad in your presence or behaves unusual towards you...Check very well, suspicion is very close by. Also check yourself thoroughly, you are most likely to be breeding suspicion. Suspicion in a relationship is a very strong issue and should not be grown. In itself it is not a bad thing to suspect, in my opinion. It is the breeding of suspicion that I find very alarming and uncondoning. Breeding suspicion borrowing from poetic license is that act that causes the other person to be suspicious. Anyone portraying such acts, to me, is a breeder of suspicion. 


It takes two to tangle so they said, if in a relationship, one does certain things that are unclear to the other person, it will evoke suspicion in the other person. 


Some of these habits or behaviors are potential attitudes that breed suspicion: 


LIES; 
In my quest to understand this latent killer of beateous relationships, I discorvered that, there are so many ways people lie in a relationship. Most people scarcely put forth blatant lies, they furnish their lies with various colours. Some of the ways people lie in a relationship are: lack of transparency, conflicting stories, insincere indulgences etc. 
Lack of transparency is one aspect that may not be very familiar and most people may not know that such acts is a relationship killer as it breeds suspicion strongly. Anything you dont want to talk about in a relationship may be as a result of lack of transparency. it is the value one place on the other that determines the level of transparency to that person. This brings me to something that is related. 
Watch out for part 2.